GRACE. 5 letters. 2 vowels. 1 syllable. Countless effects. Endless ripples of love. Constant hope.
The grace of God is not a new topic to me. It is not a new topic to this blog. I have discussed the grace of God in depth before and it is laced through almost every season of life I have shared with you thus far. But no matter how much I talk about it, no matter how much I say it, no matter how often I pray for it.... it is brand new to me each time God shows me His relentless grace.
This time, God has shown me more of His grace through the book of Romans... and God has injected my heart with the sweet beauty of His grace once again through this current season of my life. It is a lesson I always want to be reminded of because it is so very rich in beauty.
The grace of God is not a new topic to me. It is not a new topic to this blog. I have discussed the grace of God in depth before and it is laced through almost every season of life I have shared with you thus far. But no matter how much I talk about it, no matter how much I say it, no matter how often I pray for it.... it is brand new to me each time God shows me His relentless grace.
This time, God has shown me more of His grace through the book of Romans... and God has injected my heart with the sweet beauty of His grace once again through this current season of my life. It is a lesson I always want to be reminded of because it is so very rich in beauty.
All semester, my professor has been urging us to immerse ourselves into the book of Romans and intentionally seek the ways God is using it to speak truth into specific situations in our lives.
All semester, I thought I knew what he meant. I thought I was doing that very thing. Maybe I was...but this week, God has so deeply cut out a serious flaw in my life that I now know EXACTLY what my professor was looking for.
We will begin in Romans.
Have you ever studied Romans? I hadn't. It is not at all what I expected.
For starters, Paul spends the first seven chapters explaining how completely hopeless and unrighteous we are. He describes our complete inadequacy, utter despair, and total depravity. There is nothing good about us. There is nothing good about me. As I read it over and over again, I began to feel a little defeated. If nothing about me is good, then what is the point of life? What worth do I have? What value is there in my life? But. BUT THEN, I remembered the end of the story. By God's grace, we know the end of the story is victory. We know that we are valuable and worthy of His love and grace because of the gospel...because of Jesus Christ. So I kept going until I ran head-on into that grace that I was waiting for...and it IS beautiful.
In the context of Romans, it is easy to remember the end. It is easy to remember that Christ has already defeated sin and Satan. He has already won the battle we face each day...
In the context of my life, it is not always so easy to remember that...
I found this to be so very true last week in a journey that began in Starbucks. As I was sitting in this wonderfully dim cafe listening to the whirl of the espresso machine in the background, I broke. I'm talking completely-crushed-and-feeling-so-defeated-that-I-could-only-focus-on-not-sobbing-right-then-and-there broken. I was crushed...by myself. There is no one to blame other than me, myself, and I.
I failed. Completely failed. For three months I had unknowingly led myself to defeat.
You see, as I sat in that Starbucks evaluating an entire semester with a teammate, I realized I did not like the finished product I was beginning to see. I am in student leadership and I am optimistic. Put those two things together, and it is very easy to see how I came into this semester with high hopes of doing great things for God. Back in August and September, I walked onto campus completely sure that God was going to do amazing things...and that He was going to use both me and my team to accomplish those things. I had no doubt. I was eager, hopeful, and ready to get going.
That night in Starbucks, I started off sensing something was wrong in my heart...but not quite able to figure out what it was. I began by evaluating the atmosphere of the school, the success of my team, and eventually myself. Nothing was clear anymore
At the beginning of this semester, I thought what I was setting out to do was extremely clear. But, alas, things had become so very muddled over the passing weeks that I could hardly remember what those things were anymore. I couldn't remember what my mission was, what my purpose was, or what I even wanted to accomplish. Everything was so foggy. When asked by my teammate what it was that I wanted to accomplish in moving forward, I couldn't even give an answer. My answer was literally, "I don't even know right now.." I was completely stuck...and I didn't know why. It had only been three months since everything was so clear...what had happened?
In that completely-crushed-and-feeling-so-defeated-that-I-could-only-focus-on-not-sobbing-right-then-and-there broken moment, I realized what it was that was weighing so heavily on my heart: I had failed because I was not enough.
I was not enough. I had failed. I was not enough. I had failed. My heart was pounding those words into my head over and over and over again. Two minutes felt like two hours. It felt as if my pride had been completely slashed in that moment. The ironic thing? I couldn't even explain to this teammate sitting across from me why I was so lost and speechless...because in my pride, I was utterly ashamed of myself for failing and for not being enough. I was a leader...I was supposed to be enough, right?
This defeat plagued me for an entire day. I sobbed myself to sleep that night and I woke up sick to my stomach the next day. I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much. I have gone through failure before...why is this time so crippling? Why couldn't I move past it?
God is not just grace, He is also sovereign in every way... and He rushed me head-first into His grace.
sat in chapel that day listening to Truth. I heard that God's truth is vital to serving Him effectively. I heard that I had to stop exalting myself in order to exalt Him. I listened as God reminded me that it is all about HIM and not about me. I drank in the reality of His endless love and grace that is shown to me.
I understood that I was so crushed by this defeat because I tried to do it on my own. I saw that I had failed because I forgot to allow God to lead. None of my dreams for Him to move had come to fruition..because they were done in my strength and not in His grace.
So I went back to Romans. I went back to the promise that HE defeats sin. I went back to the truth that HE is enough. I went back to the reality of living a redeemed life. I remembered that because of His grace, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I remembered that I am more than a conquerer in Christ. I remembered that I do not need to be so crushed and defeated by this pride and failure of mine because "sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."
Failure no longer means defeat...because God is grace and He pours out His grace over my head each day.
I do not have to be enough, because His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses, failures, and stupidity. I do not have to be everything for those under my leadership like I had been trying to be. I do not have to be salvation, because He has already taken care of that...and has already poured out his grace on everyone I am serving. I do not have to be as brave as I think I need to be, because He makes me brave through His grace. I do not have to be happy enough, strong enough, peppy enough, loving enough, helpful enough, considerate enough, or even kind enough. I want to be all of those things...but I want to be all of those things through God's strength and by HIS grace.
This crushing journey of mine has left me to show His light through these cracks even more..Because I now know exactly how detrimental it is to everyone when I live life in my own strength. I can only do anything of value when I do it in His strength and in prayer for His grace to shine through.
He is grace, so I do not have to be. It just took me a completely-crushed-and-feeling-so-defeated-that-I-could-only-focus-on-not-sobbing-right-then-and-there moment of brokenness in the middle of Starbucks to see this clearly once again.
Like each sunrise and sunset, the beauty of God's grace leaves me in awe of Him each and every day.
All semester, I thought I knew what he meant. I thought I was doing that very thing. Maybe I was...but this week, God has so deeply cut out a serious flaw in my life that I now know EXACTLY what my professor was looking for.
We will begin in Romans.
Have you ever studied Romans? I hadn't. It is not at all what I expected.
For starters, Paul spends the first seven chapters explaining how completely hopeless and unrighteous we are. He describes our complete inadequacy, utter despair, and total depravity. There is nothing good about us. There is nothing good about me. As I read it over and over again, I began to feel a little defeated. If nothing about me is good, then what is the point of life? What worth do I have? What value is there in my life? But. BUT THEN, I remembered the end of the story. By God's grace, we know the end of the story is victory. We know that we are valuable and worthy of His love and grace because of the gospel...because of Jesus Christ. So I kept going until I ran head-on into that grace that I was waiting for...and it IS beautiful.
In the context of Romans, it is easy to remember the end. It is easy to remember that Christ has already defeated sin and Satan. He has already won the battle we face each day...
In the context of my life, it is not always so easy to remember that...
I found this to be so very true last week in a journey that began in Starbucks. As I was sitting in this wonderfully dim cafe listening to the whirl of the espresso machine in the background, I broke. I'm talking completely-crushed-and-feeling-so-defeated-that-I-could-only-focus-on-not-sobbing-right-then-and-there broken. I was crushed...by myself. There is no one to blame other than me, myself, and I.
I failed. Completely failed. For three months I had unknowingly led myself to defeat.
You see, as I sat in that Starbucks evaluating an entire semester with a teammate, I realized I did not like the finished product I was beginning to see. I am in student leadership and I am optimistic. Put those two things together, and it is very easy to see how I came into this semester with high hopes of doing great things for God. Back in August and September, I walked onto campus completely sure that God was going to do amazing things...and that He was going to use both me and my team to accomplish those things. I had no doubt. I was eager, hopeful, and ready to get going.
That night in Starbucks, I started off sensing something was wrong in my heart...but not quite able to figure out what it was. I began by evaluating the atmosphere of the school, the success of my team, and eventually myself. Nothing was clear anymore
At the beginning of this semester, I thought what I was setting out to do was extremely clear. But, alas, things had become so very muddled over the passing weeks that I could hardly remember what those things were anymore. I couldn't remember what my mission was, what my purpose was, or what I even wanted to accomplish. Everything was so foggy. When asked by my teammate what it was that I wanted to accomplish in moving forward, I couldn't even give an answer. My answer was literally, "I don't even know right now.." I was completely stuck...and I didn't know why. It had only been three months since everything was so clear...what had happened?
In that completely-crushed-and-feeling-so-defeated-that-I-could-only-focus-on-not-sobbing-right-then-and-there broken moment, I realized what it was that was weighing so heavily on my heart: I had failed because I was not enough.
I was not enough. I had failed. I was not enough. I had failed. My heart was pounding those words into my head over and over and over again. Two minutes felt like two hours. It felt as if my pride had been completely slashed in that moment. The ironic thing? I couldn't even explain to this teammate sitting across from me why I was so lost and speechless...because in my pride, I was utterly ashamed of myself for failing and for not being enough. I was a leader...I was supposed to be enough, right?
This defeat plagued me for an entire day. I sobbed myself to sleep that night and I woke up sick to my stomach the next day. I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much. I have gone through failure before...why is this time so crippling? Why couldn't I move past it?
God is not just grace, He is also sovereign in every way... and He rushed me head-first into His grace.
sat in chapel that day listening to Truth. I heard that God's truth is vital to serving Him effectively. I heard that I had to stop exalting myself in order to exalt Him. I listened as God reminded me that it is all about HIM and not about me. I drank in the reality of His endless love and grace that is shown to me.
I understood that I was so crushed by this defeat because I tried to do it on my own. I saw that I had failed because I forgot to allow God to lead. None of my dreams for Him to move had come to fruition..because they were done in my strength and not in His grace.
So I went back to Romans. I went back to the promise that HE defeats sin. I went back to the truth that HE is enough. I went back to the reality of living a redeemed life. I remembered that because of His grace, "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I remembered that I am more than a conquerer in Christ. I remembered that I do not need to be so crushed and defeated by this pride and failure of mine because "sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."
Failure no longer means defeat...because God is grace and He pours out His grace over my head each day.
I do not have to be enough, because His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses, failures, and stupidity. I do not have to be everything for those under my leadership like I had been trying to be. I do not have to be salvation, because He has already taken care of that...and has already poured out his grace on everyone I am serving. I do not have to be as brave as I think I need to be, because He makes me brave through His grace. I do not have to be happy enough, strong enough, peppy enough, loving enough, helpful enough, considerate enough, or even kind enough. I want to be all of those things...but I want to be all of those things through God's strength and by HIS grace.
This crushing journey of mine has left me to show His light through these cracks even more..Because I now know exactly how detrimental it is to everyone when I live life in my own strength. I can only do anything of value when I do it in His strength and in prayer for His grace to shine through.
He is grace, so I do not have to be. It just took me a completely-crushed-and-feeling-so-defeated-that-I-could-only-focus-on-not-sobbing-right-then-and-there moment of brokenness in the middle of Starbucks to see this clearly once again.
Like each sunrise and sunset, the beauty of God's grace leaves me in awe of Him each and every day.