White-Glove is a glorious two days where everyone turns some serious deep cleaning into a grand competition. I love deep cleaning and I love competitions... So naturally I am in my glory. It is a marvelous time to behold.
Okay, okay. I am probably the only one on campus who loves White-Glove... And it was actually cancelled this year. We still cleaned our dorms, we just didn't compete with the other dorms to see who could find the most cobwebs to clean out.
Now that I am looking back on this past week, I see that I was the only bummed college student on campus. I also see that I am incredibly grateful that I did not have to physically clean out the cobwebs in my dorm room. Why? Because God did His own cleaning of the cobwebs in my heart. I don't think I would have had the energy for both types of cleaning..
White-glove is only a fraction of the reason I love that particular week of the semester. Summit University sets aside an entire week for an annual Bible Conference. Three sessions a day, a Day of Prayer, and endless hours of doing life with the dearest of friends describe Bible Conference week. I love everything about it.
While I love the week, I always walk away exhausted. God never fails to rip me open in some way or another so He can clean out the cobwebs that are hiding in the depths of my heart. This year was no exception. Be careful what you pray for.. Because when you intentionally pray for God to make you more like His Son, He will.
I prayed, He answered. I am exhausted, yet I am refreshed. There are no greater oxymorons in this world than when God works in your heart.
Sometimes you know the areas that need cleaned, sometimes you don't even know that there are cobwebs in those corners.. This week, He cleaned out numerous cobwebs in corners that I had forgotten about..and it hurt. It hurt, but it was beautiful. Each cobweb that was cleaned led me back to my Savior. Each cobweb found forced me to proclaim that "in all my life, in every season, YOU ARE STILL GOD and I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.." Each cobweb caused me to stop and replace the lies floating in my head with the shouting response that "HE IS STILL GOOD."
Choosing to believe that He is good is something that I have had to do each day over the past few months. It doesn't matter what the situation is, it doesn't matter what season of life I am walking through. I have to choose to believe what I know to be true...that He is good. The past few weeks have been etched with joy, peace, contentment, godly friendships being built, growing in grace and understanding, and basking in the sweet fellowship of my Savior. God is good. I had to choose to focus on the goodness of God for providing me with such a sweet season of life.
So now that I heal from these deep incisions from His cleaning of my heart, do I still believe that He is good? Yes. So I still have to choose to believe that He is good? Yes.
Sometimes I have to close my eyes, take a deep breath, shut out all of the voices of insecurities and fears that are screaming in my head, and simply proclaim that He is good. And by sometimes, I mean everyday. Specifically, this past week. I have found myself performing this little exercise countless times this past week. Each time, I have learned just how good He really is. Maybe not in the ways that I was expecting...but in the ways He saw as fit for me. 5 specific ways, actually.
1. He is good despite my walls and my fears.
For this very reason I am sharing these newly cleaned corners of my heart.
As I was sitting in the most life changing session of the week, my mind began to drift down a road that was completely unrelated to the message. But I needed to go down that particular road. That road showed me a picture of my heart that I was very unprepared to see. The picture showed my heart encompassed by two very large walls that my hands have built over the last 10 years or so.. It looked a little bit like this:
But I sat in that chapel session examining this picture with a rather confused heart. You see, I realized that the picture has a deeper meaning. It no longer looks like a good plan to me... Now, all I see is this:
And without knowing where the door is, I don't know how to let others in. Here I am-desperately trying to tear down these walls because I desperately want to let others in. (So, if you are trying to get close to my heart...I apologize. I hope you will be patient with me..I'm trying to tear them down for you.)
But even though there are walls, He is good. Even though I am afraid, He is good. Resting in this promise allows me to rest in His strength. I do not have to protect my own heart, because I know that He is holding it in His hands. I know that He is good. I do not need to be afraid because I know that any hurt he lets into my life will be used to make me more like His Son...because He is good.
2. He is good despite my insecurities.
This week, all of my insecurities that had been pushed down by hope rose to the surface once again. I wasn't expecting it..but it happened. I am ashamed to say that it stopped me dead in my tracks and blocked me from focusing on anything else. "He is good despite my insecurities" is a never ending shout. No matter what insecurities I have, I MUST to choose to live by His power. I have to believe the truth that I am so dearly loved and valued by my Creator. I have to choose to believe that I am the way I am because He is good. When I listen to the shouts of insecurities that tell me I will never be good enough, pretty enough, kind enough, funny enough, smart enough, or strong enough...I HAVE to shout even louder that HE IS GOOD. He did not make a mistake in making me. He values my heart, He values my life. He is enough, and that is all that matters. He will bring certain people and situations into my life in His time..because He is good.
3. He is good despite my physical exhaustion.
I'll be honest, I have not felt great this week. Certain health issues have prevented me from feeling my 100%. It is frustrating. Even with a pounding head, nauseated stomach, strained vision, and weak body...He is still good because He gives strength. He gives grace and strength to carry me through each moment. When I focus on Him, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. For that I choose to believe that He is good.
4. He is good despite technology.
I'll be completely honest with you, friends. This one threw me big time. I am a junior in the Elementary Education, a lover of photography, and a keeper of memories. That means that there are countless precious files stored on my computer. This weekend, those precious memories are gone. My computer died. It was only two years old..completely unexpected. I never saw it coming...never planned for this. So, not only are all of my documents and lesson plans and photos and creations gone, I am also looking at trying to do college without a computer for the next few weeks...and I begin an online class within the week. I know it's stupid to be upset about something so petty, but I found it hard to handle. I don't know why..but it was hard. But God is good...and His mercies are new each morning. This was definitely an adventure...and with all adventures there is good and bad. So I choose to say, "Despite technology failing me, He is still good."
5. He is good despite my epilepsy.
This was by far the hardest cobweb to clean out. He had to do a lot of digging to find it... And it was most definitely the most unexpected one. Although I can say I am no longer technically epileptic, there are some memories and fears that reside in the "epilepsy folder" in my brain and heart.
This weekend, I was sitting next to my parents watching Summit University's Fall production of Steel Magnolias. I was a completely unsuspecting victim..I never saw it coming. As I was drawn into the lives of those characters, I was taken back to a particularly dreadful day. I found my 16-year old self sitting in an examination room at my pediatric neurologist. I was hearing words that I never wanted to hear..and I couldn't hear the hope that was laced into the situation. So, the rest of the play this weekend was framed by the dreadful words that were on repeat in my head. I couldn't even hear His gentle reminder of His goodness. I was crippled..unable to stop the tears streaming down my face. Unable to hear His truth.
But He is good. He is good because He allowed my parents to be there to walk me through that moment. He is good because He allowed my parents to pray with me, cry with me, and remind me that He is God and He is in control and He is good. He is good because those fears are no longer valid. He is good because He used my epilepsy to draw me closer to Him. He is good because He took that epilepsy away. He is good.
In every season of this life, He is good. We simply need to believe that has always been good, is always good, and will always be good. Will you believe, dear friend? Will you look for His goodness in your life? Will you trust in His goodness? Will you shout it from the mountaintops with me?
I'll be there... Standing on His promises and goodness. I pray that you will join me, because life is beautiful through the lens of His grace and His goodness.